Subliminal fears
Friday was a bad day. Yesterday was good. Up and down. It's a bit like being on an old ferry crossing the English Channel: one minute you feel you are going to be plastered on the ceiling, the next you plunge into the depths and your stomach heaves. Up and down.
In the old days when I went to visit Anna in Amsterdam, I was always the only one standing among the heaving masses, so hopefully I'll end up tall and square after this little journey too. But the various permutations of physical and non-physical outcomes seem to be much more now than on that ferry that I knew was taking me to visit family and friends on either side of the upheaval. On this journey I don't know whom I am visiting and how I am going to land. Like the Dalai Lama said yesterday in his speech here in Sydney (and I summarise from second hand information) 'the only certainty in this life is uncertainty.' And we know this Lizzie doesn't like uncertainty!
Anyway, back to Friday. I won't go into details, but basically I felt like during the chemo: fatigue, listlessness, difficulty moving around, metallic taste in the mouth, blah, blah, blah. Weep. weep, weep.
After a while I got bored with all this, and went on the internet to research the side effects of Tamoxifen: fatigue, depression, blood clots, etc, etc. Lovely! OK, said my addled brain, so this must be the fatigue and maybe the depression. WOW!
Suddenly, a feeling of terror gripped me. I had recently seen a program on how old people are over-medicated and have all kinds of terrible health problems. I suddenly visualised myself going down this path. The thinking was that, if my symptoms continue and I go and ask for help, I will be medicated for depression, then for the side effects of that, and I would end up like those old people in that program. Whoah! I am not going down that road! So, the only solution is to stop this Tamoxifen right now and that will solve all the problems. Weep, weep, weep.
Well, of course it's not as simple as all that. I really don't want to take this Tamoxifen, but the Prof says that it will increase the chances of living cancer free by 32%. That is a big sum and I have to pay attention. I plan to be here for another 20 years, so what is the alternative? Not much. So, relax and take the Tamoxifen.
Phew! Life can be so tiring sometimes, and I can be my worst enemy.
On Saturday I woke up normal. I had energy and I went back to the Film festival and saw two films - one great, the other depressing, but interesting. Ideas started flowing, and I felt like I was back in the saddle again. Up and down.
It's Sunday morning now and I feel fine. I am going to do some exercise, go and see La Vie en Rose, the film about Edith Piaf, and fter that attend an exhibition launch at the Jewish Museum. I guess it's uptime now.
In the old days when I went to visit Anna in Amsterdam, I was always the only one standing among the heaving masses, so hopefully I'll end up tall and square after this little journey too. But the various permutations of physical and non-physical outcomes seem to be much more now than on that ferry that I knew was taking me to visit family and friends on either side of the upheaval. On this journey I don't know whom I am visiting and how I am going to land. Like the Dalai Lama said yesterday in his speech here in Sydney (and I summarise from second hand information) 'the only certainty in this life is uncertainty.' And we know this Lizzie doesn't like uncertainty!
Anyway, back to Friday. I won't go into details, but basically I felt like during the chemo: fatigue, listlessness, difficulty moving around, metallic taste in the mouth, blah, blah, blah. Weep. weep, weep.
After a while I got bored with all this, and went on the internet to research the side effects of Tamoxifen: fatigue, depression, blood clots, etc, etc. Lovely! OK, said my addled brain, so this must be the fatigue and maybe the depression. WOW!
Suddenly, a feeling of terror gripped me. I had recently seen a program on how old people are over-medicated and have all kinds of terrible health problems. I suddenly visualised myself going down this path. The thinking was that, if my symptoms continue and I go and ask for help, I will be medicated for depression, then for the side effects of that, and I would end up like those old people in that program. Whoah! I am not going down that road! So, the only solution is to stop this Tamoxifen right now and that will solve all the problems. Weep, weep, weep.
Well, of course it's not as simple as all that. I really don't want to take this Tamoxifen, but the Prof says that it will increase the chances of living cancer free by 32%. That is a big sum and I have to pay attention. I plan to be here for another 20 years, so what is the alternative? Not much. So, relax and take the Tamoxifen.
Phew! Life can be so tiring sometimes, and I can be my worst enemy.
On Saturday I woke up normal. I had energy and I went back to the Film festival and saw two films - one great, the other depressing, but interesting. Ideas started flowing, and I felt like I was back in the saddle again. Up and down.
It's Sunday morning now and I feel fine. I am going to do some exercise, go and see La Vie en Rose, the film about Edith Piaf, and fter that attend an exhibition launch at the Jewish Museum. I guess it's uptime now.
Labels: breast cancer
posted by Unknown at 8:31 AM
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