Taking stock
Now that the body is healing, it's time to attend to the mind, which has been in a continuous state of reeling to and fro ever since 21 September. when I was told I had cancer. In addition to chemo brain and fatigue - both physical and mental - I've noticed a subtle change in attitude that may, or may not be permanent.
Until a few weeks ago my goal has been to 'get back to normal': being active, engaged in world and community issues and traveling. So, I decided to go on a 7 week around-the-world trip to see family and friends. I had to use my Star Alliance points this year, or I would lose them, so I got a free, 7 week round trip ticket to the States, with the idea that I would pay for the European leg only and save a lot of money. At first I wanted to fly from Washington to London and continue by train, but then realised that I didn't have the time to do that, so the whole thing became a jumble of short stays, since I had to return to Washington by a certain date. Crunch time came last Saturday, when I had to pay for all this. I took one last look at the itinerary and it didn't look right. It looked far too complex and the dates didn't seem to fit. We were looking at a long Queen's Birtday weekend, so I extended the pay period and decided to look at it more closely at home.
That same weekend I attended a two day conference of Jewish learning, the first day of which exhausted me so much that I was almost as ill as during the chemotherapy. I took one more look at the itinerary and realised that, in my present condition, there's no way in the world for me to do this trip the way it is. So, I had a chat with Suky and came to my senses and cancelled Europe. I am just going to see Tunde, Zabrina and the kids and hang out for the whole 7 weeks. Phew! I felt a thousand pounds lighter. I can't even imagine now how I thought I could do all that travel.
In fact, my whole general attitude now seems to be to: simplify, simplify, simplify. Not just with this travel, but everything. Whereas before I would dream up complex projects like the now defunct documentary, now I look for simplicity. It seems that this is all part and parcel of the cancer journey.
Yesterday I went for the first monthly support group discussion at the hospital. It was nice, because I reconnected with some of the women with whom I went through chemo and radiation therapies. Also, we saw a video that confirmed that I am not alone in this profound change in attitude towards my life. It seems there will be no going back to 'normal'. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I am realising that I am rather confused about what the new me will be like - both in terms of working and other things. So, instead of looking forward to complete physical recovery, I now find myself looking at psychological reconstruction and I am not sure how I feel about that. It all seems rather daunting after all that I've been through.
Until a few weeks ago my goal has been to 'get back to normal': being active, engaged in world and community issues and traveling. So, I decided to go on a 7 week around-the-world trip to see family and friends. I had to use my Star Alliance points this year, or I would lose them, so I got a free, 7 week round trip ticket to the States, with the idea that I would pay for the European leg only and save a lot of money. At first I wanted to fly from Washington to London and continue by train, but then realised that I didn't have the time to do that, so the whole thing became a jumble of short stays, since I had to return to Washington by a certain date. Crunch time came last Saturday, when I had to pay for all this. I took one last look at the itinerary and it didn't look right. It looked far too complex and the dates didn't seem to fit. We were looking at a long Queen's Birtday weekend, so I extended the pay period and decided to look at it more closely at home.
That same weekend I attended a two day conference of Jewish learning, the first day of which exhausted me so much that I was almost as ill as during the chemotherapy. I took one more look at the itinerary and realised that, in my present condition, there's no way in the world for me to do this trip the way it is. So, I had a chat with Suky and came to my senses and cancelled Europe. I am just going to see Tunde, Zabrina and the kids and hang out for the whole 7 weeks. Phew! I felt a thousand pounds lighter. I can't even imagine now how I thought I could do all that travel.
In fact, my whole general attitude now seems to be to: simplify, simplify, simplify. Not just with this travel, but everything. Whereas before I would dream up complex projects like the now defunct documentary, now I look for simplicity. It seems that this is all part and parcel of the cancer journey.
Yesterday I went for the first monthly support group discussion at the hospital. It was nice, because I reconnected with some of the women with whom I went through chemo and radiation therapies. Also, we saw a video that confirmed that I am not alone in this profound change in attitude towards my life. It seems there will be no going back to 'normal'. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I am realising that I am rather confused about what the new me will be like - both in terms of working and other things. So, instead of looking forward to complete physical recovery, I now find myself looking at psychological reconstruction and I am not sure how I feel about that. It all seems rather daunting after all that I've been through.
Labels: breast cancer
posted by Unknown at 9:23 AM
1 Comments:
Elizabeth,
I see your frustration with the chemo brain, it must be such an arduous side effect to deal with. While researching some of the brain fitness programs I saw a site with some interesting studies linking the Posit Science Brain Fitness Program with a reduction in the symptoms of the chemobrian. The website is bfc.positscience.com and they have tons of information on how these symptoms are treatable. I hope you find this helpful, and the very best of luck!
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