No pain

The last couple of postings have been pretty frustrated, but no pain, no gain.  Beginning last Saturday things have been looking up.  After paddling (more of that later) I became very conscious of the absence of pain in my feet.  It was almost like a concrete presence.  I can't explain it any other way. The non-pain was very palpable and I enjoyed it immensely. 

Today, don't ask.  My feet are killing me, but hey, for the past year I can't remember a pain free day. And I had a couple this week.  That's progress. 

And, I can report progress with the chemo-brain as well.  Last week, out of the blue, I got a six week contract with a publishing company, working on some document automation.  I have never done anything like that before and, as it turned out, neither have the other three people who were hired with me. We had two days training last week and were meant to start this week, but I had to finish a freelance industry story, so I started on Wednesday. 

For the last two days I have been moving around in a fog, trying to figure out the new software, but was happily aware that my struggle was no greater than my colleagues' and they got brain tired before me.  Now that's also progress! 

Yes, I know, I have to watch my energy level, so I don't over do it.  I am careful and I am changing my schedule as I go along on the timeline and my energy wanes. And I am very careful to continue my qigong, even though I can't attend classes at the moment. 

Musings

...when I try to concentrate on the meaning of the words, it feels like a mulfunctioning prism that can't bend the light waves enough to bring them to a single point.  Same way, when I try to concentrate on what I am reading, the meaning becomes fuzzy and diffuse.  I have to have several goes, and in the end I don't know what I couldn't understand in the first place. And you end up going around in circles.  Pretty frustrating.

Frustrations galore

I am so fed up! Every time I think I've tricked the chemo brain, it comes back to haunt me. I know others would say I do too much, but hey, life is for living, not for just 'being'. Besides everything, I feel like a total fool. And who wants to feel like that. OK, so it went like this.....

Today I was supposed to go for training with Courage to Care, the exhibition I've been volunteering with for the past 10 years. I am booked in as a guide for two days this month. It is a good, slow way to get back into things with this group. I was really looking forward to reconnecting with them and refreshing my mind about the exhibition. 

It's been a grey day, raining cats and dogs, mind foggy.  The type of day when all you want to do is hide in a corner with a good book and a hot cup of tea, with good music in the background. In other words, I was pretty slow all morning, so the time to leave arrived unexpectedly fast. I didn't check my destination and, by default, the car drove me to B'nai B'rith headquarters (the exhibition producers) in the city, instead of the Museum in one of the southern suburbs.

I know, it could happen to anyone. But I knew it was at the museum.  Last week I checked the route how to drive there. It's in my electronic and paper calendars. I just didn't check this morning and I forgot completely.

Well, at least I have chemo brain to blame and not old age!  Still........

Otherwise, things are actually quite good. After six months of struggling with a loose tooth, I finally had it out two days ago and I must say it's heaven not to be in pain!

Last week I also finished a freelance assignment, despite my brain refusing to focus very well. I took on board some of the suggestions my colleagues in NASW gave me, which I will summarize and post on the side, by and by.

I definitely have problems with comprehension when I am reading – not just technical stuff either. So, I've started to read shorter stories in magazines and on the internet. I think what's happening is that I am skimming (possibly because I used to be a very fast reader) and after I finish the paragraph I have an impression, but no clear understanding of what I have read. I need to go back and re-read very slowly until I am sure that it's clear. 

Two weeks ago I was in real strife about this because of the freelance stories I have to write, and I went to my acupuncturist for help.  He put a need on the top of the head and one in the 'third eye', and after the second treatment I could focus very well. 

Yes, I am going back to him next week for another jab. 

The Medical Qigong I am doing is also helpful.  I notice that if I don't do it for a few days, my arm starts to hurt (the one in danger of lymphedema) and my mind gets foggy.  Swimming and dragon boating also help.

It was really noticeable on Australia Day, which was on 26 January.  I went for dragon boat training from 7:30-9:30am. After that we went to the city and walked for hours until about 4-5pm, when I completely lost it and had to rest. But it was already a full day. I took a lot of photos with my new digital SLR camera. It was exhilarating when I looked back and realized how far I had come from the year before. 

So, just because I started this entry frustrated, doesn't mean that things are bad. Things are definitely improving, I just have to learn that I need to dance to a slower beat than I did before. I would've had to eventually anyway.