Decisions

It appears old age IS creeping up on me, as well as renewed health. What a combination!

A few days ago, I woke up with my right thumb stuck at a strange, perpendicular angle. When I moved it, it clicked back to vertical. Weird! A colleague assured me it was osteoarthritis and proudly showed me several deformed fingers on his own hands. Then, he told me how to deal with it. God bless him. It actually works!

Yesterday, I went to work  and I felt very strange as weird shaped lines started floating in balletic rhythm in front of my eyes. When I started to shiver, which is usually a sign that my adrenal episode is ending, I was relieved and thought the eye thing will disappear too. I was wrong. It got worse and I freaked all the way to the eye hospital. I can't take it, I cried. First the cancer, now my eyes. Will I ever be healthy again? (I completely forgot about the osteoarthritis!)

Well, the good doctor brought every conceivable lens to check the eye and put enough anaestheic and/or relaxant in it to blur my vision for the rest of the day. 'Floaters' -  he said. No, can't do anything about it. Comes with age. A kind nurse gave me a sheet that said the same thing. 'Live with it' – they advised.

It's a marvelous thing that when something happens to you, and you talk about it, suddenly everyone else seems to have had the same problem. High blood pressure? 'Oh, I take pills for that'....Cancer? 'Oh, I've had that 12 years ago'...Floaters? 'My mother has them'...When you come out of the closet, everyone else seems to have been there, and some.

But, like the ads that promise: 'But wait, there is more...' my problems are not over and the decisions I will have to make next week will be really hard, that is quite clear, and my indecision is profound.  

I am having my 2 year checkup with the Professor. He will want to change my medication from Tamoxifen to Aramidase. I know, because we've talked about this last year. I told him I didn't want to switch to Aramidase, because it acts on the adrenal gland and, thanks very much, I am very familiar with adrenal problems. What I have is enough, I don't wish to have any more. We agreed to disagree and not to talk about it - until next week.

So, just like before the annual checkup with the surgeon, I am now stressing about this coming meeting and all other problems seem pretty minor.  Isn't it amazing? Well, I guess it's just common sense.  There's so much to this recovery, you can only take it one day at a time, and one step at a time. What I find so daunting is that I am not sure I want to have the freedom to choose. What if I am wrong? If the doctor is wrong, I can blame him and feel like a victim. If I make the wrong decision, I only have myself to blame. Decisions, decisions....